Cause of Death 7/25/14

I have been as insulted as 

A woman and a mother as 

I am going to allow 

As of today I am no longer

Going to sit and take this

Vicious slander 

From people who

Once called themselves 

Family... People who are

Unable to deal with certain 

Truths that I will spell out 

Once again

So that there is no mistake. 

I spoke again with the 

Funeral director today

Just to hear from him    

That there was no change 

From his original findings

My child passed away 

From SIDS. 

But for some reason 

Someone connected to

Her fathers family would 

Rather spread 

Lies and try to 

Justify Kairi's passing

By telling people that I 

Caused the death 

Of my angel. 

And it is because of this

Because they would all

Rather believe this bull shit

And allow this woman 

Who is speaking for them

Without having even known 

My child

That I have set on a course of

Action that I believe I have to. 

At the time of her passing 

I allowed her urn to include

The last name of this family

Because I believed I was doing 

The right thing

And today I ordered the new one

While I had the director on the phone

So that her name is correct

As it was on her birth certificate 

Because my give a shit has finally

Shattered where this is concerned 

I loved my daughter to distraction and 

I refuse to take this sickening 

Insult quietly. 

Letters to Kairi 7/24/14

My Dearest Daughter,

Words can not express the depth of my sorrow, my heartache at the loss of you. I feel like the loss of you was just the first in a long line of losses that I'm just supposed to endure and get through smiling and I have come to the realization that no matter what I do to better myself it won't matter in the scheme of things because without you I am an empty vessel. There's a hole in me where my heart once lived and when you died, you took it with you and I've come to believe that I am cursed. Perhaps this is a fitting penance for one such as me. 

I see all these people that say they loved you moving on and able to get over losing you enough to start new families and let people in and live every day like they weren't ripped apart, like it's so easy to get over. I look at them in disgust every time I hear them claim to have loved you because if they had, they would be just as broken as me... Wouldn't they? 

What is wrong inside of me that I'm so incapable of moving past this wall of ice surrounding me? How can they put the loss of you aside and go on living and loving like you weren't important?  I see evidence of these things every damned day and it makes me sick to the depths of my soul. Perhaps I hurt for them because I am unable to move on and play pretend games like its all okay.  I refuse to make a mockery of your sweet memory. 

I miss you. 

I love you. 

And I will never get over the loss of the brightest light in my life. 

Love forever and always,

Your Loving Momma

To Connie Lynn 7/21/14

I looked through you

And saw myself 

Fading 

On the other side 

I tried so hard 

To make myself 

Into someone 

You could love

But in the end 

I made you hate

All that I'd tried

So hard to be

This was my own mistake

I tried to love someone

Who couldn't love me

For what I was

Someone who took me

In hand and shaped me

Like clay, crushed me and 

Strangled what I was

Until I was without

A shape and form

Poured me out into

A mold I was too big

To fit

And left me there 

To wither and die

In the sunlight 

Just to make me 

Pretty enough

To make him feel

Strong

Worthy 

 

Pretty enough

To shelter the lie

That was his love

Until I began to 

Crack and chip away 

At the deceit 

And found a woman

Without form

For me to shape

This time

For me

Fallout 7/19/14

I have a tendency 

To torture myself 

With things I should 

Avoid. 

I seek out people

I should stay

Away from and 

I let situations that

Have no bearing 

On myself 

Become objects of 

Fixation. 

I see things I 

Shouldn't sometimes

And for that reason 

I have tried to 

Make someone I

Once cared greatly for

See the folly of the 

Choices of recent past

It matters not that I haven't 

Been wrong yet in my readings 

But people will do what they will

Be damned the consequences 

I just fear the enormity of the 

Fallout from this choice 

This decision that you've made

In spite of the warning 

You feel up your spine and 

In your gut

As you read these words. 

Voices 7/17/14

If there were words

To say what I need to

To fix my ever present 

Fuck ups 

I would tattoo them 

Across my heart

And hand it to you

I loved you

As a child 

Even though I didn't show it

I was always proud of you

Even though I did nothing to 

Earn it 

I heard your voice today

For the first time in years

And the tears fell like rain

Trying to cleanse

My guilt

That I don't deserve 

To be free of 

There aren't enough tears

To wash away

The pain 

Of losing you 

Shadows 7/16/14

Watching

As always

In the shadows 

As you dance onto 

The scene

With hair and skirt

Fanning out around you

Like a halo 

A woman's charms 

All her own 

Her secrets

Buried deeply 

All these years

Begin to show 

Around her eyes 

And her laugh lines

Furrow deeply 

Into worry

And the scars 

She held tightly

On the inside

Begin to shape her

Anew

Once a young girl

Full of promise 

Full of life

Now feels old

And withered inside 

Where she once held 

Her female charms

Became a chasm of 

Despair and anger

That she uses as a weapon

To deflect any hint of softness

Taken these days too often 

As weakness

And that she shows only 

In these shadows in which I stand

Watching memories of myself 

Play across my mind

Of the days before 

My reality came home

With ribbons undone. 

Thanks to Tony 7/9/14

A tiny prince lays sleeping

Curled tightly into a ball 

Even though he is safe

Even though he is sheltered

From the storm

This night

He lays resting 

As though he has traveled

A great distance

And is weary 

From the road

He finds himself

A broke down palace

To take this respite

Full of women 

As road worn as he

And he is instantly adored

Because he shows them

That even though his beginning 

Was not one if pride

His present and his future

Are not set 

And he gives them all the love

He still carries inside

Through the world has shown him

Only pain

He still carries the ability

To love uninhibitedly 

Showing them that they too

Carry the ability to hold 

Such love inside

Happy Birthday Kairi 7/8/14

I sit here 

Remembering 

Your tiny fingers

Wrapped around mine

How you would lay on

Your changing table and 

You would talk you your 

Stuffed chihuahua that I

Swear you named "Agee"

And girl, sometimes you'd

Get so mad at that stinking 

Chihuahua!

How you would lay on my chest

And look up into my eyes

And show me what it felt like

To be where you are now.

How you would lay sleeping

Peacefully in your crib

And how hard it was 

To look away

I remember every moment 

You spent in my arms 

And how it felt when you

Moved in me

For the first time

And every time after

I would lay and dream

And pray and hope

Until the day I pushed you

Into this world 

And saw for the first time

What an angel really looked like. 

I remember our first talk

In the hospital when we

Were alone about how

I got to have the honor

Of being your mother 

Of giving you my name

Of being the only one 

Who got to shelter and protect 

You inside of me. 

And that is one honor I 

Won't take lightly

Tomorrow would have been 

Your first birthday. 

I should have been putting 

Together a party for a princess

Instead of releasing balloons 

So you can have them in heaven.

Tomorrow your family, 

The ones who have stood

Strong in their love for you

Are going to meet me. 

To honor you

No cake and candles

Your light will never be extinguished

No silly birthday games for kids

The adults have already played them

But by God, my baby

Will have her balloons

No laughter 

No pigtails 

No ribbons 

No lace

Your memory time

Can not erase

All my love to you

Kairi Alina McGowan

7/8/13-9/14/13

Dear Irelynd, 6/25/14

I write this to you tonight 

So that you can look back

Someday and know that 

Even though I wasn't able

To be with you today

My heart was

And always is 

Beside you

Inside of you.

You're getting so big baby!

You're six years old now

And I have missed so much

That we will never be able 

To get back...

You have every right

To hate me as much 

As everyone else

And I won't blame you

If you do. 

You are lucky enough

To have a wonderful and loving

Father

A beautiful and caring 

Woman stands in my place

And even though I am

Eaten alive with jealousy 

I also know that she loves

You just as much as I do. 

And I am at peace with that. 

Know always 

That I love you

Endlessly

And completely. 

The moment 

You ask for me

I will be there

Where my heart 

Has lived

All this time

I pray for that day 

Every single day

Every long lonely night

And with every breath

I breathe

I am so proud of you!

Congratulations my baby

It's on to first grade next year!!!

Love,

Mommy

To My Mother. 6/18/14

Tonight you said something

I never thought I'd hear from you 

Something I didn't ask for

But receive with humility 

I once wrote

About how badly

I needed 

Your acceptance

So freely and 

Unwaveringly given

To others

But denied me

But I see now... 

It wasn't out of favoritism

Or because your

Heart lacked the love

I felt from you when 

I was younger. 

It's harder to accept

When you finally realize

You weren't worthy of it 

And won't be worthy of it

Until you're able

To prove yourself

And now that I'm getting 

To that point

I find myself 

Almost fearing

That moment

Fierce 6/15/14

Trying to put things

Into perspective 

Has given me a gift

That I didn't see coming

When you showed me 

Just how hard your

Heart has become

You inadvertently 

Freed me

I no longer have to

Feel this unease inside me 

Thinking that I should have 

Done this

Said that

Tried harder

To keep things 

Together

Not for us,

But to honor her

By being friendly

With you

So that we could 

Have that venue of

Open communication

But as of today

I'm free of this worry inside

That I'm somehow doing her

Wrong by not attempting 

Civility  

She took that worry 

Out of my heart and mind

By sending me another

Of her messages from heaven

One that was unmistakably from 

Her after all that has transpired

In the past few days

After a few truths 

Were drawn into the light

I thank her

For showing me that 

She doesn't blame me 

For this parting of the ways

That has come to pass. 

I thank god she knows 

That I did all I could to 

Keep things decent

So we could celebrate 

Her life together

With her there

On her birthday 

But her family will 

Be present if no one is there

But me. 

I have peace knowing 

She saw it all

And sees that 

I love her enough

To put myself 

Out on a limb

To be the hated one

By others

But a fierce and loving 

Mother

To her

Always

Letter From Kairi to Her Daddy on His First Fathers Day. 6/15/14

Once upon a time

There was a little girl

Who loved her father

Very much. 

The little girl wanted 

Very much 

To spend this day

With her beloved father

To lay in his arms

And feel his love

Surrounding her...

But she was called home

By her Heavenly Father. 

On this day, 

Even though she lays

In His arms. 

She longs to feel

The love of her father

She had to leave down here. 

So this morning 

She sent her momma

A message for him...

My Dearest Daddy,

I miss you more

Than any words 

Could ever express, 

But I want you to know

I am loved

I am safe

And I am always with you. 

Always and forever

My love is in you

Happy Father's Day Daddy

Love,

Your Baby Girl

Kairi Alina McGowan

Righteous Fury 6/24/14

I've heard it said

That hell hath no fury

Like a woman scorned. 

And I've been as scorned 

As a woman can get 

The moment you spoke 

Against the memory 

Of my child. 

Like you have any right

To do so. 

In two weeks

I will honor the 

The day of my

Sweet Kairi's birth. 

I'd offered to have a 

Memorial service

And include her entire family

But it seems my efforts

To have a day for her

With everyone in one place 

To honor her as one

Was just too much 

To expect out of those who

Claim to love her the most. 

There is so much 

That I would like 

To say here

So much that will

Sever the rest of the

Tie that has been 

Stretched too thin already 

By my righteous fury

In the face of such 

Blatant disregard 

For the memory 

Of so precious 

A life

One that I alone

Will continue to

Celebrate

And mourn

With every breath

I take

And every

Milestone

Unlived

Full Truths 6/9/14

When I say I miss you

What I really mean is

That I miss you more than

I'd miss the very air I breathe. 

When I say I love you 

It means I love you in spite

Of every wrong move and

Any feelings of anger, betrayal,

Or loss.

When I say I need you

What I'm really saying

Is that I ache inside

So badly sometimes 

I feel it physically and it

Doubles me over from 

The pain

I miss you

I love you 

I need you

And without you

I am lost out here

Connie Lynn 6/8/14

She asks:

"Will I ever feel

Beautiful again.."

I answer:

One day my sweet

Sister of my heart

You will see

That just because

Your heart has been

As abused as it can be

Has in no way 

Tarnished the beauty 

That you have inside. 

That man could never

Keep his eyes trained

On the brilliance of the 

Light that shines from you. 

A light so bright it's like

Looking into the sun. 

Your heart

Even in your

Darkest moments

Even as broken as you feel

Because of one mans folly

Remains the most beautiful

Heart I've had the honor

Of having in my life...

Connie.... You have

All my love

Always

Without 5/30/14

How do you live

Without hope?

Without something 

Someone

To live for?

How do you

Find the will

To face each new day

Each new challenge 

Knowing inherently 

That you matter

To no one?

All good questions

No good answers...

Vicious 5/16/14

I write 

My rage

On paper

So that 

You won't 

See it 

Behind my eyes

Every time 

You try 

And fail

To see me...

I spit 

My spite

In great

Disgusting globs

So that

I don't 

Spit it

Into your 

Smug 

Hypocritical 

Face...

I repress

My viciousness

Because I fear

The lengths 

To which I go

When pushed 

Beyond my 

Reason

Mirror Image 4/10/14

I sit here
Looking at myself
In the mirror
And all I see
Is someone
I don't know
Someone hiding
Behind a mask
That no longer fits
Someone so broken
That she no longer
Makes any sense...
Just a jumbled
Mess of features
That don't fit
With who she
Thought she was
And who she
Longs to be...
I wish I could
Live in the world
On the other side of
The mirror
The antithesis
Of this world
Where pain and rage
Are constant companions
And all that I love
Are estranged

The Void 4/9/14

Finding myself
Trying to breach
This void...
And finding myself
Unable to breathe
Unable to catch
A glimpse of
The sanity I was
Promised
On the other side

Penance 3/25/14

How many times
Can a heart shatter
Before there's nothing left?
How long will this
Penance go on?

I miss you
Every moment of
Every day
With every
Tear
Every breath

You have decided
That you don't want
Me in your life
And the rational
Part of me can
Accept it

But knowing
That you don't
Want to talk to me
You don't want
To see me
Is slowly eating
Another hole
Another chasm
Of pain and
Despair
One that can't
Be healed
By anyone but you

Please
Help me
Please
I can't fix this
Alone anymore