Monday, December 24, 2012

Selfish 12/24/12

I can almost feel it
This thing inside me
Can almost touch
The beating heart
Of the monster
I hide

I am being punished
For the wrong I've done
I know that now
With every breath I take
I'm moving closer
To my reckoning
To my end

And I know I deserve this
I know that I should have to
Question every move I make now
I should have to weigh the needs of
My children
Against my selfish wants

Because I want more than anything
To hold my children
To have them with me
To be there every day
To fight to be a part of
What I never should have lost

And now I know
It just can't be
Because there's someone else
Waiting for me
Someone else who can't
Be denied
Who won't be bargained with
Who won't give me more time
To do the things I must

Because death waits
For no one

So I can go and fight
I can put my children through
Hell so that I can be in their lives
But I can't say how long I have
To hold them
And they don't deserve
To know what I know
To live with this
Sentence hanging over us
Every day

So for once
I'm going to just not
Be selfish...
I'm not going to force my way in
I'm not going to put them through
Me coming and going in their lives
But I pray
Every moment
Of every day
That they will know
I'm only staying away
So as not to hurt them
Even more
Than I already have

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