Eviction Notice 11/30/12

I've come to realize
That I'm not her
I'm not the girl
I used to be

I don't follow
In her faltering
Footsteps
Anymore

I still have
Her nightmares
I still live
With her regrets
And her sorrows
But she no longer
Defines
The person
I am now

I've come to realize
I deserve better
And better is within reach
But her fears
Still haunt me

Her unwillingness
To deal with her past
The way she should
Instead of finding
The first
Un-calloused vein
To ride the lightning
Back into oblivion

But I'm sick of her shit
Sick of the feeling that
She's not good enough
To have happiness
Not good enough
To fight for a life
On the flip side
Of addiction and insanity

I'm sick of it
And I've decided
It's time to pack up
Her shit, her issues
And throw the bitch out

Letter To My Rapist 28 11/29/12

It's been years
Since I woke up
An inch away
From screaming
At the memory of
What you did to me

And tonight I feel
Just like I relived
Your introduction
To depravity
To insanity

 I feel just like
You just finished
Hammering away
My innocence
Shredding my virginity
Leaving me burning
From your violence
And the alcohol
That was in your mouth

Why can't I just forget
Why can't you just take
Memories like this
And give them back
To their makers?

I didn't ask for
You to take me
The way you did
That night
All those years ago
And I don't ask you
To rob me of what
Little solace I have
In sleep

So stay the fuck
Out of my head
You're just as
Unwelcome there
As you were
The night you raped me

Antithesis 11/28/12

Tiny
This ray of light
This little ball of hope
That tries to grow in me
In spite of the darkness
I wear like a badge
On my chest

You're changing
So much in me
You're showing me
An entirely new
Definition
Of the myth
Called love

You encompass
So much of this
New person that I'm
Bringing into reality
This new me
That is the complete
Antithesis
Of all I've been
Of all I believed
I'd ever be

You've shaken my
Foundation
You've taken me and
Shown me the
Flip-side of what I
Believed of myself
And I find I'm liking
Your definition
Of this me more
Than I ever believed
Possible

Because the girl
You put your hand out to
You allowed on the back
Of your motorcycle that night
Was never meant to find
Someone as good as you
Never supposed to find
Another ounce of good
Of happy
Of light

You are
My antithesis

*Antithesis-   is a counter-proposition and denotes a direct contrast to the original proposition. In setting the opposite, an individual brings out a contrast in the meaning.  (definition from Wikipedia) 

Heartbeat 11/27/12

My brain will not shut up
I swear I feel like I'm imploding...
It's like a web of deceit I can't
Shake off...

I keep lying to myself
Telling myself I'm where
I'm supposed to be
I'm on the right path

So why do I feel
Like I'm burning
Inside
Like I'm coming
Apart at the seams...
Like all the new found
Happiness
Is just slipping through
My fingers

Like I'm always
Looking in
But never
Joining
Knowing
With every breath
I take
That I don't belong

If the devil has his way
I'd be back down in
The hole I created
In hell
Just for me
If the devil has his way
If the devil has his way

I keep trying...
But I feel like my soul
Is too late to save..
I feel the darkness
Creeping in again
And I start to fear
What the light
Will reveal

Will it show you
Just how depraved
A person I've been
How low
I've allowed myself
To fall..

Will it show you
Just what secrets
I hide
In the darkness
Of my soul...

Will it show you
The blood
Already
Pouring
Out of me
With every
Broken
Heartbeat

Unworthy... 11/27/12 EXPLICIT

I don't think you see

Just what you do inside of me

When you come home

And you touch me

For the first time

Since you kissed me

Sweetly on the corner

Of my mouth

When you thought 

I was still sleeping 

This morning...

You don't see

What happens inside of me

When your hands

Roam my body

Like you're 

Sightlessly 

Reacquainting yourself

With every inch

Of me

And when you take me

You lead me to your bed

And you set me on fire

With every touch

When I have your 

Skin on mine

And I can feel your

Passion build

I can feel you

Breaking in

Breaking down the walls

I've erected around my 

Heart

With every movement 

You make inside of me

With every moment

I let my aching need 

For you build

You're tearing me apart

With the love we make

In that moment just before

We fall over the edge 

Of oblivion

You capture

My soul

And you don't see it

You don't look at me

Like I do

You make me feel whole

And clean

And I don't know how to

Deal with it.

Because I'm not whole

Because I'm not good 

I'm just not

What you think you see

But in that moment

When your eyes meet mine

And you fill me

You show me a world

I never imagined

And I wish I could feel

That way

All the time.... 

Like I'm not a broken

Child's toy

Laying on the floor

Beyond hope

Of redemption...

Jilly 11/27/12

I sit here
Thinking about you
All the time
Missing you
Wishing I could
Call you in
From your bedroom
Set you on my lap
In the red chair
And rock you
In my arms
Just like I used to
You may be older
But everyone
Needs to be held
Sometimes...

You've grown
Into such
An amazing
Young woman
So full of light
And so full of
Silly
I'm on the outside
Looking in
Wishing with
Every thing inside of me
That you were here
Or I was there
Or that we were anywhere
But where we are...
Apart

I miss you
So much right now
That I feel myself
Wanting so badly to just
 Scoop you up
And run like hell
But I know
The ball
Is in your court
So all I can say
Is I'm here...
I'll always be here
Ready and willing
Waiting...
To hold you
In my arms
Once again

Rambling 11/27/12

Sometimes
The reality
Of my situation
Hits me
And I find myself
Desperately searching
For a new way
To cover my mistakes
To conceal the lies
And the agony
Of knowing
Your breath on my skin
Is just a shadow away
Your eyes see me
When no one else does
You know
But you don't understand
What you're seeing
But you will...
Eventually

Darkness 11/24/12

Do you know
What it feels like
To fear the light?
To wake up every day
And wish you could just
Shut off the bright
Shut out the happy and
Stay happy in the black
Where no one sees
Where no one knows

Coming into the light
Hurts so much
Because they see it
They all know
But refuse to acknowledge
The filth
That still covers me
Like a blanket
I can't shake off
I can't fold up and put away

So for now
I'm choosing to stay
Enclosed in darkness
Because the night
Understands me
My insanity
You don't see me bleed
In the darkness
You don't see
The self destruct button
I press just as you fall asleep

You don't see it
But I feel it
Just under my skin
Where the scars still hide
You may not see them anymore
But I feel them every day
I remember
And I've shrouded it all
In the black
In the back
Of my soul

Where my insanity
Screams like a benediction
Just waiting
For the light
To lead it out

Sometimes 11/24/12

I feel so empty
So weak
So completely
Unfilled
Just like a shell
A dried up
Empty husk
So completely unwilling
To allow more pain inside
That I've begun
Hiding from life
From the things I see
Coming
From the lessons
I learned
Along the way here
My journey is not finished
But the path is so unclear
I'm trying to find
New ways to deal
With all I am
And all I've been
Without resorting
To my usual
Escape
But sometimes
Just sometimes
When I'm alone
Like now
I remember
How it felt
To tie off
To insert that
Needle
Under my skin
Searching for a vein
Straight into oblivion
And finding it
Was heaven
And hell
All wrapped into
One great big ball
Of agony
Of sweet numbness
Of complete and utter
Devastation
One more
Hole to climb out of
One more
Hole I dug myself into
And I know
If I fall this time
There will be
No peace
No coming back
From all that I'll lose

But sometimes...
Just sometimes...

Giving Thanks 11/22/12

So today I'm supposed to write about
All the things I'm thankful for
One thing I can think of is this
I'm thankful that I'm not
Spending today
With you
And yours
That I don't have to sit
Across from you and
Hear how no fucking good I am
To you all
I don't have to listen to your
Fake bull shit about how
Proud you supposedly are
That I've risen above my addiction
One more time
While you talk about
What a piece of shit you consider me
Directly behind my back if possible.
I'm thankful that I don't have
To play your game this year
That I don't have to make nice
So that's one thing I'm
Giving thanks for
This year

The Knowing 11/21/12

Ten minutes
That's all it would take
To reunite two lost souls
To bring two hearts
Back into the light
Her light
She's only ten minutes
Away from my arms
At this moment
She's only a few
Heartbeats away
And I can't reach her
I can't hold her
Something is always
Standing in the way
Almost like
They don't want us
To heal
They don't want
Us to find each other
In this mess
I've admittedly made
Perhaps this is part
Of my penance
My only solace in this
Is in the knowing...
Knowing we're standing
Under the same sky
Looking at the same stars
Hearts reaching out for
Each other
At least I know
She wanted me
She asked for me
And no matter who stands
In the way
You can't take away
The knowing

Repugnant 11/21/12

Repugnant...
That's how you make me feel
No matter how hard I try
No matter how much I change
You're able to strip
Me down to
The dirty little whore
The filthy fuck
You believe me to be

I'm so tired
Of being staked out
Naked and unwilling
To give you what you want
Unwilling
To become the
Person I used to be
Just one more time

So I'm going to put it
Like this...
The one good thing I've done
Is kill that bitch
The tramp I used to be
Gagged the gypsy
Taken the empty slut
I was then
And I'm trying
To fill her with better
Than what you've always
Believed about me

But it takes just a few words
Especially from your mouth
Just a few careless sentences
And you're able to put me
Right back
In the place
You believe
I belong

But this time
I refuse to let go
Of my hard won
Happiness
I refuse to allow
You license to
Rent space
In my head
In my heart
Tonight

W.T.F. 11/21/12

Okay, so the question today is this:
What the living fuck
Have I done
To deserve
This alienation
I know that I am
A class A fuck up
That I chewed up
All the good
In my life
And  I spit it out
And left it broken

But by God,
I'm not that girl anymore

I know I deserve to be punished
For the wrong I did to my children
But I don't deserve
To be alienated
Once again
From a holiday
One damn day
That I could spend
With my angels
One damn day
To show them that
I've changed
That I'm not the monster
I've been made out to be

Looks like another day
I can stand on the outside
And look in
At a life
That I am not
Allowed to
Achieve...
Always
Outside
Always
Alone

Aching 11/18/12

Can someone tell me
How you stop dreaming
For something better to take place
Can you tell me
How you forget
What it's like to want
I'm so sick
Of aching
With the need
To have more than
What I deserve
I'm tired of trying
To believe
I can be better
Than this shell
Of a woman
I'm sick
Of the lump
In my throat
That grows bigger
Every god damn day
That I try to
Forget
Loved too much
But not enough

I'm too much
But not ever enough

Is It? 11/17/12

So this is how it feels
To live
An unfulfilled life
One where
All your dreams are lies
And all you cherished is
Lost to you.

So this is how it tastes
The bitterness
Of regret
The agony
Of despair
The searing pain
Of loss
With the twist
Of the knife blade
I call love

So this is fear
Of what you can not touch
Without causing
An avalanche of
Emotion
To bury myself
Under

So this is the knowledge
That I am not worthy
Not even close
To the normalcy
Of what you and yours
Have achieved
And I never will be

So this is pain
Without the numbness
Of heroin
This is what I fought
To achieve?
This is what made sobriety
Worth it?
Is it?

Bully 11/16/12

She walks
Slowly through the night
Barefoot and beautiful but
Broken and bleeding
From a million
Tiny wounds
Inflicted by
Their careless
Words

She can look in the mirror
And see just what they all say
She used to be pretty
Before the insults
Became more than she
Could bear
Now she sees
What they all say
And it kills her
Just a little more
Every day

She used to wake and look
Forward to her day
She loved learning and she loved
The silly moments with her friends
Until the silly moments stopped
And they turned from friends
To vicious bitches
Bent on destroying someone
Better than them
Prettier than them
Someone with more going for her
Than they ever knew
But they'd see
Soon enough

She walks slowly down the tracks
Barefoot and beautiful
Covered in the blood and tears
Of those who did her wrong
They never knew
What they'd awakened
With their hate
Never imagined
She'd want revenge
Before she turned off all
The lies, all the hurt
She can see the light approaching
And all she sees
Is beauty
They can't take from her
Anymore

Awakening 11/15/12

My love for you
Is endless
Timeless
Something that nobody
Can take from us
Something that can't be
Broken
Or ignored
A bomb
That if put in the right hands
Could ignite the epiphany
The awakening
Of so much more
So much that it could
Drown us both
In it's wake

My love for you
Is cherished
Is guarded
Is put so high up and away
From the eyes of the world
Eyes that would choose to
Tarnish the sweetness
Embitter the taste
That could make something
So priceless
Feel dirty
And I refuse to allow
Such people
Access to such beauty

You are the light
The music
In my soul

Jason VII 11/13/12

I don't think you
Understand
What the gift
Of your love
Has done
For the shattered
Life I have lived
Until now
Until you

For the first time
I feel like I'm
A part of more
Than just my pain
More than just
My mistakes

You have opened
A new door
For me and helped me
Cross a threshold
I didn't dare to believe
Existed
In my world
Of dysfunction
From whence I came
You've shown me
How good the light
Can feel
Before you there was
Only darkness
Only the deep well
Of nothingness
I thought was where
I belonged
Until you

Until the day
You showed up
On your steel horse
And gallently
Showed me
Every day since
How to live
How to love
How to let go
And feel again

Sometimes I think
You captured
The wrong girl
And that this
Unimaginable
Taste of heaven
Will be ripped
Out from underneath
My feet
Because you are
Everything I've always
Wanted
And the one thing
I fear the most

You've shown me a life
I know
I don't deserve
But one that
Because of your love
Because of your acceptance
Because of your goodness
Because of your light
Because of your belief in me
I will fight like hell
To keep
Because until I met you
I had nothing
And no one
And fought to keep
Things that way
Until you Jason
Until you

Kari Sue Fitzgibbons/Hampson 11/11/12

I remember you

From my childhood

As all I ever aspired to be

I wanted so badly 

To grow up

And to be 

Just like you

You never failed

To make me feel

Loved

To show me

How to feel 

Beautiful

On the inside first

And foremost

Where it counted 

The most

Somehow

I lost that lesson

Along the broken road

I've called home

For so damn long

That I almost forgot

My own name

My own face

No matter how long

I stared into the mirror

Looking for sanity

Amid the complete

Insanity

Of my existence 

All that I loved

All that I once held dear

Very sweetly

Turned away

When I needed them 

The most

But you need to know

I held the memory

Of you 

In a strangle hold

And refused to let go

Of the memories

Of the moments we shared

All the while I was

Working so hard 

On losing me

Along with all hope

Of a future 

Right along with  

Everyone I loved

And lost

I swear, 

I thought I'd completely 

Destroyed

Any chance

I may have had

To have you

Come into my life again

So when the night came

That the phone rang

And your beautiful voice

Caressed my soul

With a simple "hello"

From my childhood idol

My teenage image of awesomeness

My twenty's version of a real woman

My junkie's view of what I'd never achieve

To today's fear of rejection and heartache....

Kari, you are no longer

The person I view as perfection

Because now that I'm a big girl

And I've walked this broken road alone

And learned the lessons that my life

Has desperately tried to teach me

I know now that no one is perfect... 

We all make mistakes

Even childhood idols

So I've taken you down off the 

Platform of perfection

And I've placed you in this new 

Category that I've created

Because it fits how I see you now

More than any other

So I've got you filed cousin, soul sister, 

I now have you listed 

As one of my

Saving Graces 

Hollow Inside... 11/8/09

So tired of always waiting.
I’m yearning for something better,
Something more than I deserve.
Something more that makes me
Ache inside
So tired of always waiting…
Waiting for you to see me
Waiting for you to hear me
Hiding my screams inside
I ache inside….
Feeling like my heart
Is being crushed underneath
Your boot.
You just look at me and
Leave... again.
You don't see
You don't want to see...
I'm already dead inside.
I'm already gone.
I'm just hollow...
Empty
Knowing that you'll
Never fill me again.
You'll never ache for me
I know you're done...
So just let me go...
Tell me
Tell me it's over.
So I can move on..