Sunday, November 11, 2012

It's Called Letting Go... (June of 2008)

June 1, 2008
Its called letting go.
It’s called moving on.
You can tell yourself a thousand times
That you have to let go of what’s hurt you in the past
And move on with today.
Live for tomorrow and all that shit…
I guess I have trouble with moving on.
I hold on to my hurts so hard sometimes
That when I finally try to let go
My fingers feel like they’ll be permanently clenched together.
I guess that’s what I’m trying to do here.
Let go of some shit and try to move on.
I just don’t know where to start.
I talked to my sister last night and I told her about the white noise.
Lately I seem to be wading through a pool of it.
Just like I jumped into the snow on the television and I’m floating.
I’m not processing anything.
I’m just letting life go on without me.
I can’t really remember when it started, but I know it’s been there for a long time.
I realized recently that I don’t hear music inside me anymore.
I don’t get joy out of it anymore.
I've been trying to tell myself that I’m not going to allow myself to be belittled anymore.
That there’s nothing worthless about me.
That I deserve to feel right inside.
I've been told that I don’t do anything right for so long now that
I don’t know what I’d do with myself if someone actually praised something I have done…
Yeah, I stopped using drugs, but hey, there really wasn't a choice there.
It was stop, loose your baby, or die. Gee, the choices….
So I stopped.
I've been clean for four years, and I know I should feel more pride in it,
But I don’t.
I really think I’m loosing the ability to feel much of anything anymore.
I’m tired of the bitterness I carry inside of myself.
I don’t want to be my mother someday.
I don’t want to blame someone else for my insecurities.
I can sit here and remember who I used to be,
The things I used to love
And how good it felt when I was younger and still comfortable inside of my own skin.
I think one of the big things I have to do is forgive Joe.
It’s one thing to say you forgive someone and actually do it.
I don’t think I've done that, because I still dwell.
I can honestly say I don’t love him anymore,
But I still live there in my head sometimes
Because the way he looked at me and made me feel inside is still inside my head.
He took away everything I liked about myself and made feel like I was wrong.
I wasn't supposed to be happy.
I wasn't supposed to enjoy the things that brought me peace.
I guess when someone knocks you down enough,
You start believing the lie because it’s so much easier
To leave all the pieces where they are
Than to pick them back up and try to glue yourself together again.
I don’t have the patience anymore to try to pick up all the old pieces of myself.
I need to find out who I am now
Instead of trying to piece someone back together
That I can never be again.

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